Abused Anus Association
by Khloe Kardashian
Summary: "I'll kick your ass, I'll kick anyone's ass, I'll kick my own ass." (Eren lands himself in a court ordered anger management class and Armin is guilty.)


_"You're a fine motherfucker, won't you back that ass up."- _Drake

* * *

...

"You're a slut."

"I know," I said, although that wasn't true. The word 'slut' and Armin's voice don't go together, but what else should I expect when he's drunk and heartbroken about fuckbaby Jean. Again. "You want me to kick his ass, I can do that for you. Mikasa can do that for you. We can take turns kicking his ass, what do you say?" I was kind of hoping he'd say yes.

"This is why you start your anger management course tomorrow," Armin mumbled, wrinkling his nose. He was too far gone now, I guessed. Gross.

"Gross."

Armin nodded sagely. "It is. Mm, I'll feel like shit tomorrow, all this alcohol. Feel more like shit than I do now," he sniffed. "Why can't I be like you? Eren, you're so hot. You're that hot friend that only exists in movies. Angry and horny all the time, I wish my baby face wasn't so—"

"Shut the fuck up. He-Man, you're a total babe," I said, as seriously as I could, not blinking because I was trying to make a fucking point. And Armin was literally so badass, he's the nerd that can't be conquered, but it's easy to forget that when I see him like this. I felt weird being the caretaker, especially since Armin and Mikasa have been looking after my ass since I was a fetus.

His eyes watered a bit, and he snuggled closer to his hand-stitched pillow. "Thank you. Although I'm not really surprised you didn't deny the angry and horny part," he said weakly.

"Yeah?"

"You're still a slut, Eren."

…

I work at the gas station and read _National Geographic_ magazines all day. Sometimes I refill cars with oil, but I mostly listen to Isabel talk shit about her man, Farlan (good shit though, not bad shit). She's the only person who actually saw me fight a customer, which basically led to the whole anger management thing. It's court-ordered (obviously, because I wouldn't really go on my own), so I couldn't go over-time today. She was cool for someone older than me (Isabel's twenty-nine), and didn't put up with bullshit, which was kickass; a red-head Mikasa. Beautiful.

My first meeting was at Sina Community Center, and I didn't want to be late, but also early, if you catch my drift. It was a few blocks away from work, not that bad. The slush on the sidewalk would turn to ice tomorrow, so I appreciated being able to walk without having to keep my eyes on my feet.

The glass door beeped when I opened it, and I was pretty sure this was not the right place because I see children and a priest. "Can I help you, sir?"

I hated being called 'sir,' it makes me feel old and closer to erectile dysfunction than anything else, but the receptionist was being nice, so I decided to be a moderate human being. "Yeah, uh, I'm here for the anger management thing." I sounded so lame. I _am_ lame.

"Oh. Hange should be waiting for you, she's downstairs with the others. Base level, turn to the left. You'll see a vending machine."

"Thanks." The community center was clean and extremely colorful, little Earth Day posters adorned the walls, and it was pretty cute. Going to the left, the vending was right there where the lady said it would be. And next to the machine itself was a man, and I had to admit, he was pretty pissed off.

I felt like I intruded on something intimate, like one of those times where you're pissed about something stupid and it prompts an angry jack off session. "Fuck ass machine, we need some proper funding, that's what we need, not some new mailbox. My _Pepsi_, Hange, my _Pepsi_ is stuck _again _-"

"Want me to help?" I offered. He turned around quickly, giving me an intense stare of mixed embarrassment and relief.

"Yeah, go for it." He stood aside, and being slightly shorter than me, had to look up. His nose was perfect, like Armin's. Fuck people with nice noses, and I mean in every way possible. Horny tendencies aside, I put my man purse down and took off my glasses because I'm not getting them smashed in my face again, and even if I did, I wouldn't have the money to buy a new pair.

I used to steal stuff from vending machines all the time in college, so it wasn't that hard to find my rhythm again. The angle played a huge role and I was still pretty good. The Pepsi was cold and a bit wet, but I pulled it slowly, until it was out and free. "Here."

He looked at me like I was Jesus and he was pregnant with our child. "Wow, that was definitely not bad. What are you here for?"

"Anger management, is the class here?"

"Yeah, right in this room. I'm the AM Coordinator, " he said. I nodded, gathered up my stuff, and entered the room. A bunch of chairs were arranged in a half circle, all facing a white board. There wasn't a lot of people, so I'm guessing it was a small group. A tall blond man and a grinning woman stood at the front, obviously waiting for me, or something.

"Today we won't be in our regular classroom because of the public ESL course taking place there. Instead, we're going to be a bit traditional and talk and interact more," the woman spoke loudly.

I chose a chair in the middle section, and sat my ass down. The blond man smiled at me, and I was pretty sure I was in love because he was too hot to be real. "We have a new addition to our group today, please welcome him. Do you mind introducing yourself?" His voice was deep and flawless, what a hot dad. Our kids would be hot. And everyone was waiting for me to say something.

Not being the longest dick in the jungle, I wasn't exactly good at public speaking. Or talking about myself, so I stared for a few seconds at everyone, remembering that I didn't brush my hair today or change out of my Titan uniform shirt.

What should I say? Hello, I'm Eren, and I'm a penis enthusiast. "My name is Eren. Uh, I work two jobs and I'm twenty-seven. I have a pet chinchilla, her name is Mikasa the II." Everyone laughed, and I tried to seem less anxious. _Penis Enthusiast_.

"Good intro, Eren! My name is Hange Zoë and I'll be your counselor and instructor."

"And I'm Erwin Smith, I'm the program supervisor."

"Now we'll be breaking off into groups, Eren, you can pair up with Levi. We'll be role paying, so get cooking guys. Be prepared for any scenario!" She chirped.

I stayed where I was, waiting for Levi. A man that was heading towards me, it was Pepsi guy. He gave a nod of acknowledgement, sitting down to the seat next to mine. He looked too ready, and that was kind of terrifying. "So you're Eren?" His voice was smooth and not as deep as Erwin's, but still nice to listen to.

"Yeah, and you're Levi." I laughed a bit nervously, and straightened my glasses so I didn't look stupid. Like Jean. "So, what do we do?" I looked at him and waited, and he smiled, eyes crinkling in amusement. I'm starting to notice he was just as flawless as Erwin. Flawless people everywhere today.

"Well, first, we talk about what pisses you off, what rustles your jimmies, all that nice baggage." Levi looked like the type of person who's seen it all.

And he's already asking me questions, they definitely didn't fuck around.

"Why?"

"I need to get a feel of you, some sort of familiarity." Oh. He was literally fucking serious. He actually wanted me to say something and this was so stupid but he was just doing his job so I can blame the judge who signed the papers in court.

"I actually don't really know. Maybe stupid people," I said slowly, Jean and Connie flashed through my mind. Mostly Connie, because if there was anyone stupider than me, it was definitely Connie. Fucker used expired condoms once. And then I listened to what I actually said, because I sounded like some big shot asshole who thought everyone was disgusting but me. I wanted a better word, something that Jean wouldn't use. "People who act like-"

Assholes.

Drama queens.

"-dicks." I finished. Really hypocritical, since I was all of the above, but Levi doesn't need to know that.

"Pretty...straightforward." He crossed his legs like an adult, and took a drink from his Pepsi. Seeing him drink that was making me thirsty, but I didn't want to get up suddenly and seem rude.

"I also don't like it when people drive really slow, it's why I don't ride cars." I wanted to be honest, because the sooner they know about my problems, the easier it'll be. He was just staring flatly at his notebook, which made me feel stupid, but what else was I supposed to say, I was probably one of the most boring people to ever speak to.

Mr. Pepsi sighed, and uncrossed his legs. "Okay, you get pissed at things that most people hate. What really brings you out of your skin, people who do something that makes you lose your shit in every way."

High school, I fucking hated it and it included probably the worst four years of my life. "My best friend came out when we were sixteen." Armin's lame haircut was probably everyone's worst mistake, but that wasn't what actually pissed me off. "And we were in the robotics club, so long story short, I hate the word 'fag'."

Now he looked pensive. "Homophobic slurs and bigotry?"

"Basically." I just wanted this to be over, Annie wouldn't do this to me. All these assholes.

...

By the time I left the community center, every unsuccessful business was still open so I almost considered wasting my money for reheated food.

"Dirty as hell, nasty as fuck," Armin would say.

I counted some wrinkly bills, I should seriously buy a wallet. This is why I don't leave my apartment.

Mikasa was right. I was still a fetus.

...

The sun was in my face and it felt gross. I flipped a page, and checked my pocket for any leftover cigarettes. Another day at this shitty gas station, envying cars and telling people to please fucking stop smoking as I refill their tank because it's a gas station. After four hours, I stopped doing my job. I felt bad for being a lazy asshole, but it was one of those days where I just wanted to be useless and a wasteful excuse for oxygen, which meant Isabel would be the one suffering.

"So how did it go?"

"Yeah."

"Did you fucking hear me?"

"How did what go?"

Isabel gave me her I-hope-your-dick-turns-into-a-cactus stare. I coughed. "Your anger management class."

"Oh. That. It was okay, I talked about my feelings, triggers. I had to pay for the workbook, which reminds me, I have homework." She rolled her eyes, and snatched a cigarette from my pack. Oh Isabel.

She always joined me in my "unofficial" breaks on the corner bench, and I was grateful she always had a lighter. "So, was my brother there?" I tipped the end.

"What?"

"Aren't you a big bowl of stupid today, I said did you see my brother?" She looked irritated (nothing new). That's the thing with her, or I don't know, redheads, she had some attitude that she needed to fucking fix. Then again, I had no room to talk. Because the one who was in this court-ordered thing was me, and I don't know how I haven't fought her, because we're both always ruffled up.

"I didn't know you had a brother. I only saw a hot blond, Erwin what's-his-face. And this short guy, Levi. Like the pants," I said.

"Like the pants," she deadpanned. "Well, the pants guy is my step-brother." I honestly did not find that all special, considering I've seen and heard weirder stuff coming from her.

"Yeah? Pepsi guy is my coordinator then." Okay, a car was coming for a refill. The break is almost over.

She _smiled_, and it was _weird_, because Isabel never smiles. Her chronic bitch face was probably enough to kill any boner (especially mine). "Levi is a good guy. I'm sure he'll help you."

"I can't wait," I sighed. She punched my arm and I almost pulled her ponytail apart.

...

Sasha is pregnant. I knew that expired condom wouldn't work.

...

Going to these sessions became so easily integrated into my routine, but that didn't mean I liked them. They did help, somehow. Honestly, Levi was making this easier on me. We were more or less hanging out and he would layer in ways to control my little flares of anger. It was good, in a way. And Armin was strangely proud and ashamed of me.

_**Express your feelings and needs assertively, not aggressively.**_

_**Problem-solving is key.**_

"Here is your order," I said politely, standing awkwardly for her to 'take a bite.'

"This isn't what I ordered," Ymir replied, somewhat pissed. (I honestly did not expect to see Ymir of all fucking people from high school in my class, and to be her partner in this RP was just disturbing because she was a bitch and could beat up the football players.)

"I'm sorry?"

"You better- I ordered a burger, not this shit." Hange clapped her hands 'ooohing', and I almost broke character.

"I'll take this away and get you the right order. I'm terribly sorry."

Ymir fake-exhaled. "It's fine, I'm sorry for being rude."

Everybody snapped their fingers, and I pulled the prop away from the front. According to Hange, I was good at this, and I was also making excellent progress. We were the last pair to go, so the class was over. Hange signed the legal paperwork, confirming my attendance and bam, I was ready to go.

Packing my things like usual, I stuffed some of my crappy pencils in my satchel and all I could think about was food.

"What's making you rush?" Levi had a Pepsi again, and he looked more relaxed than last time. And he looked good, like always.

"I'm starving, that's what." I said. He smiled and traced a thin eyebrow with his thumb.

Crumpling the can, he swung his jacket over his shoulder. "Let's go eat then, I'm also fucking hungry." I nodded and checked my wallet (I finally bought one!) to make sure I had cash on me. Because I usually don't and I don't want Levi to pay if I ordered.

"Isabel doesn't cook for you?"

He looked surprised, maybe wondered if I was stalking him. Then he huffed out a snort. "My ass would be Nicki Minaj if she decided to even touch a stove. And if she did, Farlan would be inheriting her will, which includes her hamster." I wasn't surprised. "How do you even know her?"

I rubbed my lens, it was getting foggy as hell. This is why I should get contacts. "I work with her at the station."

I should probably feel insulted that Levi looked so shocked, but I wasn't, so I wanted to know why he was. "I'm so surprised you haven't murdered her ass. Or why she hasn't murdered yours, she's exactly...Eren, you could be her twin. I honestly thought you were a biological relative of hers that I never met when I saw you for the first time, because you have her same face. Like, I thought, he's definitely an asshole. A male Isabel. You never fucking smile, you look like I cannibalized your mother and you're ready to fucking fight everyone."

This was not-"I'm always smiling! Jesus, I do not have Isabel's chronic bitch face. My life is over. And I'm hungry and horny. Levi, are we almost there?" It was a long walk.

"I can fix the hungry part, not sure about the horniness," he said, grinning. When we finally got to the restaurant, I picked a random table and had my wallet ready. And Levi wasn't moving.

"Do you need a new prescription for your glasses?" He sounded so concerned and I got slightly salty.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Can you not see the table where you put your shit on? It's disgusting and they haven't even cleared it yet. I'll choose a table and take care of your stuff. Go order. Jesus."

I looked at it, and now noticed the wrappers and empty soda cups. "Oh." He kind of had a point. "Thanks."

He didn't look amused. "Bless you, you big ass man child." Considering the fact that I've heard that from not only my mother _and_ Mikasa, I laughed.

Thank god it didn't take that long to order or wait for my food. Levi ordered his too, so we just stood there watching the employees filling our trays.

"You know what, I'll take the trays to the table. Shitty food and good money can't go to waste." He's so _rude._

"You honestly act like I'm dumb as shit. I am a grown twenty-seven year old gentleman, with a suave penis and excellent credit score," I said, knighting him with my fry.

He fluttered his eyes. "Court me, Sir Eren. Offer my father your chinchilla and fifty cows. Let me ride with you on your steed, and-what the hell?" Because he was so white, my hand print stood out on his arm.

"I'm scared, if I have to be honest. Levi, I'm honestly scared of this side of yours."

"I'm always like this."

"We should go to church sometime." I blessed him. Although I haven't gone to church since I was fourteen.

"Fuck you." With those kind words said, we headed towards our table, unharmed and hungry. I haven't really been out since I'm busy all the time and my burger melted in my mouth. We chewed in silence until Levi decided it should be broken."What are you doing after this?" He asked, mouth full. What am I doing after this?

I frowned. "I don't know, nap. Check out the local community college. Because according to my friend, I should get a degree." Now he stopped chewing.

"That's good. What do you think about doing?"

"I don't know yet, it's like life is constantly giving me a 'fuck you' or 'Eren, you only live once my friend.'" I put my burger down.

"Tell me about it," he muttered, swirling the ketchup. "I'm always stressed or worried. Maybe I'll take up yoga."

"Don't worry about the big things, worry about the small things," I said, taking a drink from my Sprite. Levi snorted, until he finally started laughing in that nasty way that leads to crying. I was not prepared for this. Levi was laughing, and it was just...nice. To actually have a good time in a burger joint and not worry about paying taxes. What can I say, I'm getting old.

"Christ, that was the stupidest shit I've ever heard," he gasped-sighed. Shaking his head like he still couldn't believe it, he nibbled on a fry. "I honestly don't know how to feel right now."

"Trust me, you haven't seen everything yet. I'm like Ricky Martin, spicy and loved. You can be my sidekick, be my Leonardo DiCaprio. I'll wear _Levi's_ jeans just for you." I said seriously.

He blinked. "I might actually take you up on that offer."

"It's a deal."

...

He's now my most frequented phone contact.

...

Mikasa was saltier than the last time I saw her and had her MILF pose. "Armin says you've been hanging out with some guy from your AM class."

Wow Mikasa, way to keep it casual. "Yeah," I replied, just as **_not_** casually. Emphasis on the not. This is the thing with childhood best friends/ non-biological sister who might as well share the same mitochondria as you, she thinks I'm still seventeen and smoking pot with Marco at Trost Park. It's middle school all over again, you know my name, not my story. She looked too tired to exist and the party (Jean's get-together, because he's still lame as hell) was still full-on blasting. I licked my cupcake's pink icing, aware that my cup needed more beer.

My life includes cupcakes and beer, I'll make sure to tell Armin to put that in my obituary. "Is he mentally stable? Because you're not," she said.

"He is. So am I."

She didn't look convinced. "Eren, you'll forever be twenty. Only now you have better taste in liquor and you have a chinchilla. Which you named after me because you felt lonely and you were high." Oh my god, where was Armin? The past is in the past.

"I feel so insulted, I'm honestly feeling salty now. My heart...my soul hurts. Get me a beer. Stop judging my existence."

Mikasa left me alone for the rest of the night.

...

"I'm seeing Levi today, we're probably going to that movie theatre later," I said, pulling my headphones apart. They're always tangled.

"Eren, I have to admit you're hot, but you're so stupid sometimes." Isabel sounded so dead-ass serious, I had to turn around to look at her face. She's going Mikasa on me.

At this point in my life, I've been called stupid so many times I don't even catch feelings anymore. "Why?"

"Look, you're face always looks...angry. But hot. And I'm sure I'm not blind, but I know you're spending a lot of time with Levi." She really was going Mikasa, this is not what I wanted to wake up to today.

"It's not really a problem, is it?"

She sighed, a bit pained. "Levi always talks about you. I hope you're not _that_ stupid."

...

I went to Babies R Us. I'm honestly very concerned about Sasha and Connie's child.

...

I was coming to a very obvious conclusion, and it began to take control of my life, like taxes.

Levi was/is/will always be very...nice to look at.

It was so stupid and unnecessary, but at the same time I wanted to take initiative because my horoscope said I should.

Like, of course it would happen to me, that I would end up liking my AM coordinator, which sounds like a very lame porn plot. I can imagine it already. ("I'm so angry and tense, Levi," I would sigh. "Oh, really? Have you been neglecting anything, Eren. I can help you...it's my job," he would purr. Me, blushing and stuttering. "I don't know. My anger takes control of me. How can you help me?" And then he'd say, "I can fix that attitude. Strip." I reach for my pants, eyes widening up like a dilating vagina giving birth. "S-Strip? Anything, I'll do anything if you fix my problem, Levi!")

I'm so fucked up.

But I couldn't not think about being in a relationship because a) I'm getting old, b) I'm getting old and still single, and c) I'm getting fucking old. Also, Levi's hot and he seems pretty cool, mentally stable, and most likely has a good credit score.

All of my friends are literally on the verge of marriage, I'm going to Sasha's _baby shower_ next week.

And that's the thing with getting older, asking someone out on a date or confessing doesn't take a decade to happen because when you're old, you don't have time to waste. It's a lot more straightforward, but just as nerve-wracking. "You're thinking too much, are you hurting yourself?"

"Shut the fuck up." _He's so beautiful._

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Wow, someone is fucking tense."

My life is a porno. "Just a bit." _  
_

_Oh, Levi! Only you can help me._

I regret today.

...

I was folding some chairs because Hange and I were the only persons left this evening. The session went well, just some mild fighting from a newbie. Hange was pretty nice, and was less terrifying than Erwin. My fucks are all gone, I am fuckless. "I can't wait until I get home."

"Do you have someone waiting?" She winked. HA.

"Nope."

"So, no girl waiting for you? You're a pretty young thing," Hange smiled at me. I laughed a little bit, kind of awkward every time I had to break it to someone. Break it real hard. Just like I did to my father as he read his email.

"Um, I belong to the Abused Anus Association."

She choked on her coffee, sputtering and wiping her sleeve on her face. After that, her howls and cackles were forever a part of me. I could imagine myself at my honeymoon, getting deflowered by the petals of love and I'll hear the echoes of Hange's laughter, ten years from now. "So no girls?"

"Vaginas are scary," I mumbled, shuffling my worksheets in my sweater pocket. "You?"

"I'm married!"

_What?_ "What?"

She nodded and chuckled. "I know, right. No one believes me when I tell them. He's fucking lucky to have me, and he agrees. I'll invite you over for dinner some I'll let Levi know"

I'm terrified.

...

It was sort of weird, because I was actually looking forward to these meetings or sessions or whatever. I was gonna see Levi and today was a good day.

And when I opened the door to my usual classroom, the Aaron to my Cady stood near the desk, with his damn Pepsi.

Levi looked the other way, conflicted but determined at the same time. Pretty hot. What a profile. Don't turn around, Levi, please don't turn—

"Do you want to go out and get some…thing? Like right now. Together," he said, quietly.

I felt my stomach flop, like a sudden urge to fart from anxiety, but it stirred and felt like the beginnings of an ulcer. Is he saying what I'm hoping he's saying, because this is probably a wet dream? Maybe…or this is really love because dream Levi is Quiet. Levi isn't Quiet. "I don't know how to tell you this. It's awkward, but I'm an honest guy." He waited and was clearly preparing himself for disappointment. I sighed, trying to look uncomfortable, which wasn't that hard because when someone you like likes you back, and they confess to you, it's so surreal. "Levi, bro, I'm straight." My throat was dry and it was hurting everywhere because I was trying not to laugh. His face got paler, he still looked really hot but confused as hell. "No homo."

Blinking quickly, his face churned with horror, as if I'd told him I was his long lost father, a Republican, and wanted some paternal bonding. "Straight? Well, I would like to apologi—"

"Hell yeah fucking right, you should apologize. How fucking dare you." He opened his mouth to speak, but I stopped him with a jab to the chest because I knew it seemed cool (probably not for him). "Why would you even assume…I'm telling the truth, like seriously, an Aries and Capricorn aren't compatible, I was reading that in my monthly subscription of Seventeen." I was spitting some random shit now and he honestly seemed very concerned and probably regretted confessing to me. "Levi, I'm lying, I stopped being straight the moment I jacked off to Mikasa's K-Pop boy bands. And I'm not seventeen."

He looked at me with disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck, Eren, I swear to god you—"

"I'm serious! I was sixteen and Mikasa left them in my room, and I was really horny. I swear I don't do that anymore!" I sounded thirsty as fuck. Which I was. But for him at the present moment.

"Not about that, dumbass!" he snapped. "You fucking scared me, I haven't felt like that since the Teletubbies and Southside Hookers." He gripped the bridge of his nose. "It's a good thing you're hot, or else I'd fart on you or something. Fucking asshole." We're almost thirty years old. I'm not sure where this is going.

"You can do whatever you want, once we go out and get something. Together." I grinned at him, wrapped my arms around his neck, rubbing my face to the side of his cheek. "We won't watch the Teletubbies, I promise."

He groaned and closed his eyes, exasperated. "I'm never confessing again, to anyone. Let's go get sushi, you just made me fucking shit myself and embarrassed me all in one go. Incredible."

"Sorry."

I wasn't and we both knew it.


End file.
